“Do You Mind if We Dance Wif’ Yo Dates?”

Forrest has a video!!!!!!      Run Forrest, Run!

What makes the Alvin Greene story so compelling is it’s appeal to anyone who heretofore believed the denuded political system to be rigged airtight.

Not yet Bitches…

The criminals posing this year as South Carolina Election Officials better sink Lieutenant Dan’s Alvin Greene’s fishing expedition before November or else it’s time to…MEET YOUR NEWEST SENATOR!!!!

Regardless of outcome, history can’t help but now show that AG slipped undetected past the Senatorial gatekeepers disguised only in $10,400  cash (handwritten check- nice touch AG) and caught an alphabetized stroke of lightning hiding in a bottle of South Carolina moonshine.

No campaigning, no rallies, no baby kissing, no literature OR literacy even! – yet this unemployed vet who lives at home with no internet and… wait for it… no cellphone! , gulp…, this societal reject is now one Forrest Gump-ian moment away from bringing his half-full box o’ chocolates to the US Senate.

INT. OFFICE

FRED THOMPSON is at a cluttered desk, screaming into the phone that sits atop it….

“WHERE’S THE FUCKING OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE ON THIS? YOU BETTER SHRINK THAT HOOP DOWN A LITTLE FURTHER IN SC YOU IDIOTS! LOOPHOLES GODDAMN IT, I WANT LOOPHOLES!!!

If you need an inkling as to how fucked up South Carolina’s political system is, peep the article “Busted Flush” by David Plotz in Harper’s in August of ’99, or if that’s too much work just read this…

Even crazy chickens eventually somehow find their way home to roost, and while we all find the 280 lb. cuckoo bird (Cuckamungous Nocampaignous) now squishing the fence that separates  South Carolina from planet legitimacy amusing, the smart money also finds it short lived…

The bottom line is that by the time  sitting Senator (R) Jim Demint rolls up (R) South Carolina in November and catapults Alvin and his chipmunk cheeks back into obscurity (again),  what Alvin did will already be rendered impossible. The red tape will be wound tighter still, ever more byzantine qualification bars will be raised and just like at any good carnival, the pins will be moved ever further back while the balls with which to disperse them made to be ever more lopsided until “no chance” equilibrium has been restored.

Sorry. No “winna winna,” no “chicken dinna,” no giant stuffed polar bear (not till the ice caps finish melting anyway) and certainly no publicly funded Senatorial tit for Bubba Gump to bounce checks on and suckle at the bosom of…

Alvin’s legacy will be that he was the last of the everyday schmoes to ever get within shouting distance of US Senate and  his future will be as an curious attraction in history’s political sideshow, next to  1998′s  Byron “Low Tax” Looper, 2000′s Mel Carnahan and the bearded lady, nothing more than circus freak that one perilous afternoon wandered harmlessly out of the communal “sheeple” pen we all now reside in and chew our cud of false hope from.

By November, order will have been restored, (long before there’s an actual “vote” in SC) the breached wall at the Senate’s old rich white guy castle repaired, and soon, the memory of Alvin Greene will be lost like the dinosaurs, layered under weeks and months of far more important internet Lohan/Gibson/Gore/Cyrus sediment… Ten years from now nobody but us political satirists and historians will remember that in the electoral weirdness that was the summer of 2010, the rigged systems’ most potentially subversive and dangerous character was also it’s dumbest and least likely…

I would give every crawdad in South Carolina to be wrong.

Run Forrest, run…

Author’s note: Personally, I would rank Alvin 3rd behind Looper and Carnahan both. The Ashcroft/Carnahan fiasco still takes the cake for top honors only because Ashcroft had a comfortable +/- 4 % lead UNTIL his opponent Carnahan died. It’s one thing to lose an election to a dead guy but when you lost BECAUSE your opponent died, well… that’s a whole ‘nuther story altogether.

Enjoy your full moon tonight…

— Arlo Stone,  7/25/2010